Unstoppable (2010)

A runaway train carrying tonnes of nuclear waste while on a collision path with another train full of school children beyond which lies a town densely populated right by the tracks where a crash would be devastating... the only ones who can stop the locomotion are a rookie on his first day (Chris Pine) and an old hand days from retirement (Denzel Washington)... Cliche you scream? Speed on a train you yelp? Let's see...

The founding theme of this movie is escalation. Just as shit starts to hit the fan, it is closely followed by more shit. Events are set in motion by a clumsy Ethan Suplee (Randy from "My Name Is Earl") hopping out of the trains cabin to open a gate or something.. I left that pretty non-descript as theirs so much train jargon poured in this movie it's best to just nod your head and move along. The character building between Pine and Washington on "the other train" is usually the perfect balance in the first half, while the plot get's rolling it's nice that we jump back to the small talk of this aged Driver and rookie conductor duo. The dialogue is never forced and while a bit fantastical, the plot seems more heavily grounded in reality than it's closest compares (the obious being Speed). The action that does occur feels organic to the characters established and there's never a "beyond belief" stunt Add to that the CGI was either non existant or minimal (as I detected none) the whole feature follows through with it's promise of plausibility with and ending that isn't too Hollywood.

Overall, well put together, but some of the snappy fast editing could make one queasy, always a pleasure to watch Denzel work though. 8/10

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - Part 1

This does not work as a stand alone film. I'll just say that outright. This film is chocked full of technical problems, pacing issues, plotting flaws, bad dialogue and inconsequential HOURS of footage. At times, I found myself laughing out loud, unable to control myself. At times, it's just that bad.

But people seem to be forgiving of it just because it's Harry Potter. Ooooh, this is deep, I haven't seen a quidditch game in this one so it must be a mature, intelligent social commentary... no. When I say the plot is bad, things just happen for the sake of it. I won't go in to too much explicit detail otherwise I'll ruin it (unlikely) for you. There is no thread of logic between the events. A lot of the time, they're wandering about camping, saying 'what are we supposed to be doing now?', 'I don't know, check the script', 'it's blank', 'oh shit'. And when they do actually formulate some kind of plan, it obviously works despite not having any real bearing on events that came before, or things just happen out of sheer luck. These occurrences start doubling up on each other by the time Harry visits his parents grave. It's just bad writing.

I will say that the first hour is actually fine, but it goes down hill at such a rapid decline it was jarring as a viewer. The soon to be infamous 'dance' scene was a complete misfire, it had the cinema audience laughing at just how awkward it was. A bad choice to even put it in, I'd say. Rupert Grint totally outmatches Daniel Radcliffe in their heated exchanges, Radcliffe looks incapable of showing an emotion period, but the dialogue between Hermione and Harry when they are alone is mind numbingly poor. The best bit of the film is actually when the holy trinity are not actually on screen for about fifteen minutes, and when Ron provides some much needed comic relief.

The finale is fine, if a little too convenient, like everything else. It would be nice to see Harry use wits, cunning and bravery to solve his problems rather than moping around and getting really lucky. In all, the second hour should have been reduced to a montage of camping, that would have been fine. Look at Lord of the Rings, we didn't literally see Sam and Frodo stop and camp every single night, did we? Only when it was important to the plot. I predict that watching this will make Part II seem bearable. I just want this to end now. I do think Part II will be a hell of a lot stronger, just because things are bound to actually occur, unlike in this dull mess. In fact, it will be interesting to see if this film was needed AT ALL.

And who cares about Dobby, for God's sake? Wasn't he in it four films ago?

4/10

The Men Who Stare at Goats

A film about a branch in the US army that uses the power of the mind and the will to do good to win wars, who refer to themselves as 'Jedi'. Like most of the jokes and the plot, the concept is quite amusing. But, it will rarely get you laughing, or really even thinking about any sort of bigger picture. Can it really be taken seriously?

While it's certainly a nice idea and story, it left very little impression on me as a viewer. While the satire is quite well done, the characters are not likeable enough to really care about, Spacey's antagonist isn't really hatable enough either. It's all a bit too safe, undramatic, and as a result I found it very hard to be absorbed by the events unfolding. While much of it is very quirky, and very easy to watch in an inoffensive kind of way, it's never going to be someone's favourite film. It would have benefited drastically by pushing the more ludicrous elements to the forefront and really using them as real gags, or toning it down and going for a bit more drama, because there was potential there. Without that, it treads the middle ground between offensive and passive and doesn't really provoke any reaction at all. Still, I could watch Clooney, Bridges and Spacey act all day.

5/10

Heavy Metal (1981)

If you were to take elements of Blade Runner, The Fifth Element, 2001: A Space Odyssey and The Jetsons, then throw them together using "He-Man: Masters Of The Universe" style animation and putting as much violence, tits and sci-fi as you can in to one feature... THEN you add 70's and 80's heavy metal music to it (featuring the likes of Black Sabbath, Blue Oyster Cult and Journey) you may have something close to the 1981 feature Heavy Metal.

This bizzare Canadian animated feature, based on the magazine of the same name, manages to envelope all of the above while featuring the voice of Euegene Levvy and John Candy (the oddity grows doesn't it?) is split into several segments, all linked by a strange green glowing green orb that spans the length ad breadth of time and space.

Going off onto various Sci-fi tangents the film is at one moment showing you a WW2 plane being taken over by zombies, then takes you to a distant planet who's only saviour is a partially clothed young white headed female warrior. IT'S NUTS! That being said, it was thoroughly enjoyable. The crude animation and absurd plot still keep you eagerly anticipating the next futuristic yarn, while the animated chicks may not be as titillating as you'd think, it's still some imagery Badassery on-screen.

Overall, a fun little animated piece that (other than the animation) has aged pretty well, watch it alone for John Candy's robot seducing, making love and proposing to a human woman... priceless. 8/10

Funny People (2009)

Adam Sander's entire career has been a mixed bag for me, he usually plays the loser who pushes everyone around him away, usually a broke (insert job here) character who learns something toward the end. In Judd Apatow's 2009 "Dramady" we see him hand the reigns down to new kike's on the block Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill.

Playing a rich, famous and succesful Stand-up Comedian, living the American dream with his big house, piles of money and oodles of free time, all built from the hard work and determination it takes to be a comic, George Simmons (Sandler) seems like a character we won't have much synpathy for. Until that is, he comes down with an unfortunate case of plot point, which leads him to have rethink his life, and how he see's those around him. Along for the Ride is Ira (Rogen), a struggling new comedian trying to get his break. Simmons hires him to write material, and he slowly becomes his sole human companion as he deals with the life he's lead and the inevitiability of death. The film gleefully takes it's time strolling through it's 2 1/2 hour running time, and doesn't give you the "predictable ending" you thought it would.

Apatow has worked with Sandler and Rogen on many a "bro-mance" and finally seems to have struck what audiences can relate to. Heart. The Sandlers lonely comic "George Simmons" invites you to think about him, and feel sorry for him, something Judd hasn't got a charactet to do before now. Some strong performances and well timed humour, as well as an array of guest stars (including Andy Dick, Paul Rudd and... Eminem?) that are seen only in the peripheral, and never step on the toes of the main story. The main problem is that this is virgin terratory for Apataw, and the strong performances and at times, great dialogue can't stop the sagging second act pulling the whoke feature down.

Overall, a moving and enthralling effort from the Apataw movie generator, Bromance's with heart are hard to come by. Funny People, Shows us the difficulties success and wealth brings us while remembering to make us laugh, it's worth your attention. 7/10

Flash Gordon

Perhaps one of the most insane, idiotic and unashamably hilarious films I have ever seen. For the most part, Flash is depicted as an unbearable idiot. Here is a man with the expression of a lemming and the IQ of a puddle, who we are to get behind and support as he takes down an evil empire. How does he take it down? Well, with blind luck, mainly.

Everything about the film is dated and budget. The aesethetics are garish and laughable. The action scenes are among the stupidest I have ever seen. When Flash uses his 'American Football Powers' to beat back the armed to the teeth guards, I thought my stomach was going to explode. The heroine is a wimp, yet manages to beat up about six guards using nothing by hiding behind things at ninety degree angles from the guards, the supporting cast look like they want to be somewhere else (yes you, Timothy Dalton) and who could blame them? 

It's obtained a cult following, and probably rightly so, but I can't really see myself wanting to see this film ever again, even out of novelty value. So bad, it's good. Then bad again.

3/10

Despicable Me

Endearing, charming, intelligent, fun. Even if it is 3D.

Steve Carell voices Gru, a man who wants to be the best evil genius going and embarks on a plan to steal the moon in order to prove to himself (and his mother) that he really is just that damn good. Along the way, his plan involves adopting three young girls in order for his plan to succeed, and the evil genius finds himself wanting to have fun more than world domination.

In terms plot, the film never really sags and the motivations of the characters are spot on. Children will be just as entranced with the 3D effects as the adults will be with the often witty humour and fantastic sense of the absurd. The film's highlights for me, and many others I would have thought, come in the guise of the tiny yellow followers who dominate the film with their random, playful antics. The three girls whom Gru adopts are the real stars of the show though, each lovingly characterised to be so endearing (especially the youngest - 'It's so fluffy I'M GONNA DIE!!!') that they will melt the iciest of hearts.

While many cynics might class the film as sappy and aggravatingly simple, this is a really enjoyable, loveable film that will make you laugh, and if you're that way inclined, blubber like a schoolgirl. And the 3D is actually okay.

8/10

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

In this sixth instalment of the world-beating little wizard franchise, the teenage angst is all over the place as Harry, Ron and Hermione experience their first loves, and some bits and pieces involving wizardry, apparently.

The most noticeable thing about this film is how little it seems to really contribute in terms of originality to the series. Up until this point, each film seemed to serve a purpose. They ideas were fresh enough, the dynamics changed enough, and there were usually enough new characters to keep things ticking over. Despite the addition of Jim Broadbent's master of potions, it's all very familiar. It really is just another year at Hogwarts – another quiditch game, another flashback to Tom Riddle, another visit to that alley everyone likes, and despite the film involving perhaps the most significant event in the books chronology to date, past the two hour mark I was too indifferent to care.

Visually, on a par with the others, but for supposedly one of the 'darker' of the films, it's all a bit too safe and comfortable for Harry for the most part, and the climax left me feeling fairly unimpressed. The fans will love it, but for me this might be the weakest of the series to date. I will remember the Half-Blood Prince as the one before the two part finale, and nothing more.

5/10

Believe: The Eddy Izzard Story (2010)

Documentary biographies can be boring things, stock footage, celebrity interviews, touching moments of breakthrough emotion, all culminating in a sickly sweet ending. This feature, about the life and roller-coaster career of one of Britain's most prolific comedians Eddie Izzard, features all of the above... And it's beautiful.

We start of with a smidgen of the news coverage Izzard's alleged "fraud" (or more accurately, a working comedian using the same material at more then one gig... like ALL stand up comedians).A "blown out of proportions" story over hyped by the media (not to far removed from the Russell Brand, Jonathan Ross "Sachsgate" scandal) no doubt a slow news week then. We then set off into a very real, and brutally honest tale of this Yemen born Brit's tale to the top, stopping by en route to street performing in Covent Gardens, dabbling in the Edinburgh Fringe and missing out on a Perrier award to the pesky Cambridge Footlights (with talentless newcomers at the time Stephen Fry, Hugh Laurie and Emma Thompson, but what have they ever made for themselves?). All leading up to his "comeback" 2003 tour "SEXIE" and Wembley 4 night finale, but not before exploring the ins and outs, the people he met and reasons for making the decisions he did.

The tale does get boring at times but only where life naturally does, the overall emotional curve was well handled, with story and the person BEHIND the stockings and suspenders being paramount. He is shown for the hard working, funny and real human being that he is, with this piece only further enforcing his sure-fire route to becoming a national treasure.

This was a special screening and the DVD is out Monday (22nd November) Definitely worth a watch if you think the road to comedy success will be easy, grounding and touching stuff, almost like a long version of BBC's "Comedy Connections" but with more spirit. 8/10

The Crow (1994)

The penultimate Gothic fairytale that is "The Crow", starring Brandon Lee (son of Martial arts legend Bruce Lee) and directed by Alex Proyas, is a tale of love, loss and vengeance. Based on a Graphic Novel by James O'barr, who wrote the story while dealing with the tragic death of his girlfriend at the hands of a drunk driver. He introduces emotional depth and complexity where it usually absent in the medium, so you may ask, how could a film (especially a mid-ninties action film) possibly capture the darkest tones of this morbid yarn? We shall see.

Our story starts with Hammy enough dialogue introducing the legend of the crow and how "people once believed..." (actual first line) "that when someone dies, a crow carries their soul to the land of the dead..." this goes on to set up what's happening in a nutshell. What follows is a dark and moody tale that at times is a moving and emotive piece (as much as the genre will allow), while at others, cheesy, over the top and outright silly. The story of how one man can come back from the dead in order to avenge his and his fiancée's death is a poignant topic that deals with remorse, regret, loss, revenge and absolution, but it's easy-to-hate, one dimensional villains let the story's credibility down.

Lee infamously died during the production, this gives the film it's second tragedy in it's long and sordid history. While watching Lee on-screen it's hard to separate the story you're seeing to an eerie sense of morbid fascination (more recently felt when watching Heath Ledger's Joker in The Dark Knight), it was his highest grossing film and his defining role. Was Lee a great actor? Not from what I've seen. Could anyone have played the role better? I highly doubt it. His passion for the project is clearly seen in the interview included on the DVD, his enthusiasm for this film to succeed is something I rarely see in most star interviews, so maybe it's only right this was the film his name will forever be so closely attached to.

Does the film work? At times, the emotion often hitting it's highs. The humour? Not so much. The action was pretty "so so" for the time period as-well. Where this film wins out is the style, it's the perfect balance of dark and intensive themes seen in Tim Burton's "Batman" (1989) and the stylised and surreal feel of Robert Rodriguez's "Sin City" (2005). The style is what makes this such a resounding and as of yet, unbeatable Gothic masterpiece, not perfect, but full of heart. 7/10

Jackass 3D

There's something very comforting in knowing this piece of our collectives pasts (the piece we don't really like to admit) still breathes life, ten years after its initial conception.

Johnny Knoxville and co. are back once again, featuring a fresh batch of the amazing, the disgusting, and the utterly insane. Expect big hands, lots of sick and a fair bit of poo coming at you in, yes, 3D. I have to say, even though I am a firm unbeliever when it comes to the '3D revolution', it did make 5% of the film funnier. Worthwhile? You be the judge.

You either dig it, or you don't people. Is there really anything else to say? 6/10

Due Date

Due Date is this year's unofficial remake of Planes, Trains & Automobiles, and an unfortunate case of an all too familiar trend for the 21st century's comedy output - all the funny bits are in the trailer.

And, I could pretty much finish the review there, but let's milk it a little bit. Robert Downey Jr. & Zach Galifianakis play to their strengths, more or less the same characters they have been doing for the past few years. While both leads are likeable for different reasons, the film often seems to be playing for time, stretching out enjoyable set pieces and rendering them 'okay'. With a snappier delivery, this could have been great. The emotion is text book, and feels kind of stuck on just to give these guys a reason to be together. Generally this is a forgettable comedy that you can lump in with Step Brothers, Pineapple Express, Hot Tub Time Machine, Date Night etc etc etc.

For die hard American stoner comedy fans only, unless you have seen the trailer, in which case you will probably enjoy it. Actually, forget that, just watch the trailer. You'll save money.

5/10

Burke & Hare (2010)

Bill Bailey, Ronnie Corbett, Christopher Lee, Steve Merchant, Simon Pegg, Tim Curry, Jessica Hynes and Andy Serkis you say? Set in Scotland you claim? a (fairly) big budget film made in Britain with an all Brit cast? fuckin' A I'm there, who's directing?

John Landis? hmmmm.

That's right, Mr Landis (the director behind "An American Werewolf in London" a long time ago... LONG time ago) is such a huge fan of British humour and British comedies that he's decided to make one, the problem is, he's American... as racist as it sounds, it's a totally different kettle of fish. while he delivers the many national treasures as one would apply salt to a dish (lightly and evenly sprinkled) the comedy never hits the highs it should, and neither does the drama.

While primarily a dark black comedy about infamous grave robbers/murderers the William's (Hare and Burke) are in need of quick cash in 19th century Edinburgh, which, as any Irishman will tell, means they have to start killing people... wait, what? We work our way through various Brit comedy icons (Paul Whitehorse, Corbett, Curry etc.) knocking off the odd "Cadaver" in order to make a few bob, while Corbett's Edinburgh Militia are hot on their heels.

Much like Titanic and Romeo & Juliet, though you know how they story goes, it's always interesting seeing how it gets there, and while some up and down performances of actors struggling to maintain performance AND accent (I'm looking at you ISLA FISCHER!)the grittiness and overall dirty feeling of the period are caputured perfectly. The film is at it's very least enjoyable, not brilliant but you could do much worse, worth seeing for the Spaced alumni alone, but a cheeky giggles even if you havent followed Pegg and Hynes since the 90's. 6/10

Romero's 'Dead' Series - Part 2 (2005-2009)

Though the reception was more or less luke warm, I happen to think Land of the Dead (2005) is as good a Dead story a 21^st Century Romero could have given us. Twenty years since Day, the effects are sublime, the characters are likable and well developed. It’s actually quite hard to fault. The story is interesting enough if slightly basic, but I like nothing more than a miniature fascist state in a post apocalyptic setting being taken down by a group of do-gooding rebels. Dennis Hopper’s charismatic baddie is a real winner. Perhaps the best thing for the film for me was that it was a real sequel to the first three films, set in the same timeline. It was interesting to be shown a wider scope of the effects of outbreak, as opposed to just a mall, or a bunker. However, I’m not convinced about the whole ‘zombies can think like us now’ vibe… 7/10

Deciding that he wanted to make a change in form, and perhaps connect the series with a new generation of zombie fans, Romero decided to take on the hot 'new' filming style of the time, and do a first person camera horror, a la Blair Witch, Cloverfield etc, the result was Diary of the Dead (2007). While the change adds a certain interesting edge in terms of character development (being allowed to talk to the camera, and the viewer directly), it makes for some pretty stilted viewing, dodgy metaphors (a character asks another to put him out of his misery by pleading ‘shoot me’, while ‘shooting’ him with the camera – err, slick) and a social commentary that doesn’t really work. Despite some entertaining scenes, this reboot to the series was a disappointment and, frankly, lacked the intelligence of previous instalments. 6/10

Survival of the Dead (2009) was possibly one of the worst films its year. Even a few minutes in, I was wondering if I was watching a spoof, or maybe the camera would suddenly pan back actually show the characters from the film watching a spoof, as a nice little joke. But the camera never panned back. This is a terrible film in terms of character, plot, substance, effects… It really has nothing going for it. The deaths are gimmicky, the effects are lame, and the script is borderline retarded. A zombie riding a horse? Farmers feuding on an island? Who cares? Survival is dross that once and for all confirms Romero has lost it. Never mind George, it was a good run of genius while it lasted. 3/10

In all, the series has had some incredible highs, but there appears to be no chance of a resurgence. It’s time for the series be firmly put in the past, and... well... DIE.

The Green Mile

The Green Mile is the second of what I suppose you could call a trilogy of films adapted from Stephen King stories by Frank Darabont. After the critical and commercial success of the film that is currently sitting on top of IMDBs Top 250 (Shawshank Redemption), The Green Mile is another human, emotional journey, with an added fantastical edge. Set in a 30s detentions centre for those on death row, the green mile is the last place those committed to die call home.

Despite a mammoth three hour run time, it never seems to drag. The characterisation of the main characters, and the performances from Hanks and Clarke Duncan, are fantastic, both showing strength and insecurity in equal measure. The film dares to show those on death row, particularly Michael Jeter's character, who have been condemned to die for terrible crimes, as incredibly humane and hinged characters. The real villain is Doug Hutchison's Percy, who has to be one of the most despicable, hated characters in film history.

Despite the overall positivity of the piece, it can be fairly grim stuff. The subject matter becomes increasingly dark, sometimes shocking, which ups the stakes and the drama by a couple of notches. The film confronts you with the worst of human life, and gives us a light at the end of the tunnel in John Coffey. However, there is no real message or morality tale here, if nothing else it seems to be simply that bad things can happen to good people, and that magic would be cool if it actually existed. It wasn't a tale of personal triumph like Shawshank, this is just a fairytale, but you have to say, a very good one. But, when would you really be in the mood to watch it again?

8/10

G.I. Joe (2009)

Wow, just... wow. I want to give you fine people a balanced review analysing and discussing today's "action flick" then round up with a recommendation. Dear readers, it is one of THE biggest piles of absolute tripe I have ever had the misfortune to see.

It stars Channing Tatem and Marlon Wayans as new G.I. Joe recruits. G.I. Joe is a secret military organisation sort of policing the world, and after our lead characters lose possession of deadly new warhead's containing "nanobots" they are promptly asked to join the organisation. What follows is a slew of brightly coloured shit, bad CGI (for 2009) absolutely atrocious acting and terrible writing, we flip flop between Christopher Eccleston's eccentric millionaire inventor/bad guy and the G.I. Joe headquarters, every single scene feels rushed, the explosions, underwater dog-fights and the fall of the Eiffel Tower SHOULD equate to something remotely entertaining but it just isn't. the weak "Evil organisation doing something evil" is so hammy I could smell bacon, Director Scott Summers incorporates the worst of his film The Mummy Returns (recycling the same kind of globe trotting adventure, as well as reusing some Mummy (returns)/Van Helsing alumni actors). This film is the ultimate display that he has not grown as a Director, and with Transformers managing to be a spin off of a Hasbro toy and cartoon series (no doubt the only reason for this movie's existence) and managing to also be entertaining at it's very least (entertaining being one of the Michael Bay helmed Transformers movies only positives) there's no reason this movie shouldn't have been.

The sole saving grace of this film is the character "Snake Eyes" who, with a deep held rivalry with his adpoted brother is a side-plot that out-shines the actual story immensely, it manages to pay homage to the great Japanese martial art films with an edgy high tech twist.

Overall, if you're over the age of 6 avoid at any and all cost. 3/10